[WHEN A STUBBORN IMMOVABLE OBJECT AND A STUBBORN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE MEET...
It stings - it really settles under his skin like a splinter of metal, digging in and leaving him irate. Not at Mandricardo so much as himself, of course. At his own inability to easily turn down things that he knows he should. It gets harder and harder with each day to stick as strongly to his will to keep others at bay as he'd like. He'd talked about it before, once, with Kayo. If he stays in a dream for too long, then of course he would never want to wake up. It's a pleasant thought that he can't afford, and that he can't let anyone else suffer through on his behalf.
He watches the tear, folding his hands together to tamp down on the desire to reach out and wipe that away, too.]
You've already made me happy. Any amount is more than I would have ever expected, or could deserve in this life.
[There's a second where it looks like he might try for a smile, but he quickly abandons the notion and instead fixes Mandricardo with a careful look that gives little away.]
...I dislike the idea of you dying at all. I wish that there was some way to allow you to hold on to your memories, should you want to keep them, too... But if what you have is what you have, then I hope for it to be something you can think of well, should your last moments come. Do you really think the time you have now would be improved if I took up more of it?
[A rhetorical question, for the most part. He's still hoping Mandricardo will reconsider his stance even now, even after seeing how stubborn he can be.]
[That's the thing with Mandricardo - that above all, he's sincere. He's bad at lying, and is blunt and to the point. He cannot manipulate, or pretend he is something he isn't. He's drawn to the sincerity in others, which is why betrayal hits as hard as it does.]
[With Sakyou, however, he can tell there's a troubled soul, there, like himself, who swims through the dark sea of self-loathing and restrained fury. He knows Sakyou wants to hide it, to put it away so that it won't hurt others, and that fact makes it hurt deep inside of his chest. Sakyou deserves...better. He deserves more. To turn and see something bright, and enjoy it like a precious jewel, even if its only for a little while.]
[Mandricardo lifts up his hand to wipe away his own tear.]
Maybe you might think me selfish for that. But what I do, I do for you, y'know? And...I'm greedy, you know. I want more of your smiles. I want more time to just sit with you, and spend time with you, and...see how you're at peace, even for a moment.
[A long sigh, his eyes turning down to the other's hands.]
I don't want more of this place in my memories. I've had enough of that. I want you. I...just want you. Everything that you are. Even what you see as your darkness. I want that too.
[the hilarity of mandi finding his gay rat wedding marriage partner between this tag and yours, absolute peak. sakyou will be the ring bearer and gently wish them well.
BUT FOR NOW, he's just feeling deeply conflicted and trying to look as controlled about it as possible. Hilariously (or terribly), it's because it would be a fleeting thing that he's even handling it like this. In the face of someone so earnest and kind, he'd normally run. He's run before. He could soon likely count on two hands how many times he's run from Kayo alone, between meeting her and coming to care for her.
It's his kneejerk reaction, after all. To pull away, to flee, and to lash out when caught. To do everything in his power to sever bonds before they can form, to burn every bridge he crosses. He is every bit as terrible as he says. Moreso, honestly. But here, in the face of someone who will seemingly forget him regardless...]
...I don't think that you're selfish. [Far from it. He averts his gaze before continuing, hands still folded, and leans back into his own space just little.] It's just... I wish that you would listen to me. You won't be able to find anything good or worth remembering here, and I wouldn't want for you to, anyway. I don't wish to leave any mark behind when I go. I'm not like the sun, or someone whose smile is worth the price of my company. Your words are pretty, but they shouldn't be for me.
[There are so many other people who fit the bill, even here. So many people who are actually like little suns, warmth and brightness together. Such an honest, sincere person with such a big heart capable of love even now - even after everything he's gone through... That's the sort of person who deserves to spend his time among others like him.
And yet, even Sakyou struggles to turn away freely offered acceptance.]
...I enjoy spending time with you, you know. I enjoy you, as a person, as a friend... as someone dear to me, as someone who understands more than most do, for better or worse. As someone who can see and accept. Who knows what it is to lose, and to hate. We aren't perfect, you and I. We share some stains. I won't run from you, if nothing else. [He can't, rather, in this situation.] But you can understand, can't you? Why I don't wish to give or take any more than that.
"Anything good or worth remembering here"? That's everything, Sakyou.
[He scoffs at that, incredulous. But all of this, hearing every word - again, it makes him wonder if this is what people hear when they talk to him. The endless gaping yaw of despair, or feeling you're never good enough.]
[Mandricardo begins to speak, but his breath hitches, and he has to collect himself. It's amazing, to hear that Sakyou is someone who enjoys him, as a friend, as someone close to him that understands him. But is it enough, for Sakyou? It can't be enough.]
...You're afraid you'll ruin it. [He says, dimly, his eyes staring down in between them.] That you'll take more, and ruin it.
[He's biting back tears now, over the rush of blood in his ears.]
Y-You don't think I'm scared of the same thing, huh? To even...ask this of you, is...I thought you'd say no to me, honestly. Because even now, I don't see myself as worthy enough. But damn it, I want to be worthy enough. Even if it was...just my feelings, and I never got anything in return, I'd be happy. Knowing I would give you something. Servants live and die for others.
[They're like candles, held up by someone desperate, someone wanting, a way to try to illuminate the darkness around them, right...? Isn't that what a Servant does?]
I know you're scared. I'm scared. But what are we going to do, just stay in the same place and die miserable? I don't want that for you. I want to save you from that path, even if you think that's the only path you deserve.
[He grits his teeth.]
But I'll walk down that path with you if you think that's the only option left. I don't care. What is there left to ruin, huh?
In any case, though he listens to most of this in a quiet, careful way, something fierce in him springs to life at that last statement. It is, after all, the crux of everything he wants to avoid. The passivity leaves his posture; spine straight, shoulders squared, he reaches back out for one of Mandricardo's hands. His grip isn't soft, but it isn't punishing. It's simply firm in its certainty.]
The last thing I want is for anyone to walk down that path with me. [That inevitable path, whatever form it takes, will not offer reprieve or pleasantries. He's been prepared to walk it alone for as long as he can remember.] I will not have it. It's something I cannot allow.
[The idea of someone living for him, dying for him, wanting to stay by his side through all the darkness his life will cut into... It's too much. He is afraid, for many reasons.
...But. But. If he's destined to die, and Mandricardo is destined to forget... He can't help but wonder if it would be too selfish even then, to take just a little. Just enough to think back on fondly, when the time comes to part. When Mandricardo continues on in his strange second life full of half-chances, and he continues to press forward in his bloody quest.
There's a heavy pause, in which he seems to be considering his next words carefully, teetering on the edge of two opposing desires. Then, quieter:] ...Just to have a small part of you is enough for me. If I can share just a little with you before we meet our fates... that will be enough.
[Already, the will to keep pushing against Sakyou's eternal persistence is starting to wane, slightly. Not because he just wants to throw his hands and give up, but he respects Sakyou too much to be pushy. In the end, if Sakyou doesn't want this, he won't blame the man. He can live his life the way he can live it.]
[He smiles briefly at the touch to his hand, closing his eyes momentarily.]
A small part...
[He wishes Sakyou had more. But already, anxiety is starting to creep in, the persistent feeling of "not being good enough" hanging over his shoulders. If the man wants to stop here...]
[Well, maybe he's just not worthy of going further with him down that path.]
[He'll just have to be happy that Sakyou can have these small moments, before he moves on and wades into the darkness of the open sea of his own soul.]
That's fine.
[And a sigh.]
If it's to be a small part, then...alright.
[At least something remaining behind, like the light trail of a falling star.]
[It stings and it soothes in equal measure - having to let go of something precious and offered freely and earnestly, but feeling reassured that he at least can keep one person from harm.
He gives Mandricardo's hand a gentle squeeze, and finally, a tiny sliver of a smile replaces the grim expression that had settled on his face. It's soft and there's a quiet edge of melancholy, but there's some gratitude there, too.]
Even a small part is more than I should have... but thank you, for being willing to share it with me. For wanting to share anything with me at all.
[There's a moment where he hesitates again, like he's going to draw back - but he decides to be selfish and take just a little, leaning forward to return the kiss from earlier. Soft, careful, more hesitant than forward. Sometimes you are just two lads with self esteem issues!! It's fine. He rests his forehead against Mandricardo's after, closing his eyes for a moment.]
I'll remember it - and you, and whatever you allow me to take for whatever time we have.
[He can offer himself completely to someone, and it's not enough to save them. It's like coming to the edge of a well to pull up someone who has fallen in, and finding you don't have enough rope.]
[So the kiss that comes makes him feel elated...but only for a moment, replaced with a sort of numbness. His hand reaches up to gently touch the other's face. Sakyou's face is so soft. It's so soft, compared with the darkness he knows he's seen.]
[Well, at least this, to remain.]
I should be thanking you. [He says, gently.] I'm here for you, Sakyou.
[In the meantime, he's just trying his best to soothe the situation. It's not like Mandricardo didn't have enough rope, after all; Sakyou consciously chose to let it pass him by without reaching a hand out for it. It's not something he would ever fault anyone else for.
But of course, it's hard to see things from someone else's perspective when so deeply mired in your own. It's the same for both of them, for better or for worse.
He's quiet for several seconds, eyes still closed, just breathing. Feeling the hand against his face, which he hesitates to let himself lean into, but still does anyway. Hearing the reassurance. The return thanks, which he thinks is completely unnecessary but appreciates all the same. His chest aches and he smiles through it.]
...I'm glad. [That selfish part of him likes not feeling so alone.] I can't offer much in return, but I hope... even if it's selfish, I hope you'll continue to let me enjoy this. This share of you. And I hope that you'll let me stand with you too, as carefully as I'm able.
[It would be the best he can offer: to be there if he's needed, without stepping too far over the line, without coming too close and endangering yet another person he's come to hold carefully in his heart.
this will be very funny if one or both of them are dead tomorrow]
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no subject
It stings - it really settles under his skin like a splinter of metal, digging in and leaving him irate. Not at Mandricardo so much as himself, of course. At his own inability to easily turn down things that he knows he should. It gets harder and harder with each day to stick as strongly to his will to keep others at bay as he'd like. He'd talked about it before, once, with Kayo. If he stays in a dream for too long, then of course he would never want to wake up. It's a pleasant thought that he can't afford, and that he can't let anyone else suffer through on his behalf.
He watches the tear, folding his hands together to tamp down on the desire to reach out and wipe that away, too.]
You've already made me happy. Any amount is more than I would have ever expected, or could deserve in this life.
[There's a second where it looks like he might try for a smile, but he quickly abandons the notion and instead fixes Mandricardo with a careful look that gives little away.]
...I dislike the idea of you dying at all. I wish that there was some way to allow you to hold on to your memories, should you want to keep them, too... But if what you have is what you have, then I hope for it to be something you can think of well, should your last moments come. Do you really think the time you have now would be improved if I took up more of it?
[A rhetorical question, for the most part. He's still hoping Mandricardo will reconsider his stance even now, even after seeing how stubborn he can be.]
no subject
[That's the thing with Mandricardo - that above all, he's sincere. He's bad at lying, and is blunt and to the point. He cannot manipulate, or pretend he is something he isn't. He's drawn to the sincerity in others, which is why betrayal hits as hard as it does.]
[With Sakyou, however, he can tell there's a troubled soul, there, like himself, who swims through the dark sea of self-loathing and restrained fury. He knows Sakyou wants to hide it, to put it away so that it won't hurt others, and that fact makes it hurt deep inside of his chest. Sakyou deserves...better. He deserves more. To turn and see something bright, and enjoy it like a precious jewel, even if its only for a little while.]
[Mandricardo lifts up his hand to wipe away his own tear.]
Maybe you might think me selfish for that. But what I do, I do for you, y'know? And...I'm greedy, you know. I want more of your smiles. I want more time to just sit with you, and spend time with you, and...see how you're at peace, even for a moment.
[A long sigh, his eyes turning down to the other's hands.]
I don't want more of this place in my memories. I've had enough of that. I want you. I...just want you. Everything that you are. Even what you see as your darkness. I want that too.
no subject
BUT FOR NOW, he's just feeling deeply conflicted and trying to look as controlled about it as possible. Hilariously (or terribly), it's because it would be a fleeting thing that he's even handling it like this. In the face of someone so earnest and kind, he'd normally run. He's run before. He could soon likely count on two hands how many times he's run from Kayo alone, between meeting her and coming to care for her.
It's his kneejerk reaction, after all. To pull away, to flee, and to lash out when caught. To do everything in his power to sever bonds before they can form, to burn every bridge he crosses. He is every bit as terrible as he says. Moreso, honestly. But here, in the face of someone who will seemingly forget him regardless...]
...I don't think that you're selfish. [Far from it. He averts his gaze before continuing, hands still folded, and leans back into his own space just little.] It's just... I wish that you would listen to me. You won't be able to find anything good or worth remembering here, and I wouldn't want for you to, anyway. I don't wish to leave any mark behind when I go. I'm not like the sun, or someone whose smile is worth the price of my company. Your words are pretty, but they shouldn't be for me.
[There are so many other people who fit the bill, even here. So many people who are actually like little suns, warmth and brightness together. Such an honest, sincere person with such a big heart capable of love even now - even after everything he's gone through... That's the sort of person who deserves to spend his time among others like him.
And yet, even Sakyou struggles to turn away freely offered acceptance.]
...I enjoy spending time with you, you know. I enjoy you, as a person, as a friend... as someone dear to me, as someone who understands more than most do, for better or worse. As someone who can see and accept. Who knows what it is to lose, and to hate. We aren't perfect, you and I. We share some stains. I won't run from you, if nothing else. [He can't, rather, in this situation.] But you can understand, can't you? Why I don't wish to give or take any more than that.
[Why he's afraid to.]
no subject
"Anything good or worth remembering here"? That's everything, Sakyou.
[He scoffs at that, incredulous. But all of this, hearing every word - again, it makes him wonder if this is what people hear when they talk to him. The endless gaping yaw of despair, or feeling you're never good enough.]
[Mandricardo begins to speak, but his breath hitches, and he has to collect himself. It's amazing, to hear that Sakyou is someone who enjoys him, as a friend, as someone close to him that understands him. But is it enough, for Sakyou? It can't be enough.]
...You're afraid you'll ruin it. [He says, dimly, his eyes staring down in between them.] That you'll take more, and ruin it.
[He's biting back tears now, over the rush of blood in his ears.]
Y-You don't think I'm scared of the same thing, huh? To even...ask this of you, is...I thought you'd say no to me, honestly. Because even now, I don't see myself as worthy enough. But damn it, I want to be worthy enough. Even if it was...just my feelings, and I never got anything in return, I'd be happy. Knowing I would give you something. Servants live and die for others.
[They're like candles, held up by someone desperate, someone wanting, a way to try to illuminate the darkness around them, right...? Isn't that what a Servant does?]
I know you're scared. I'm scared. But what are we going to do, just stay in the same place and die miserable? I don't want that for you. I want to save you from that path, even if you think that's the only path you deserve.
[He grits his teeth.]
But I'll walk down that path with you if you think that's the only option left. I don't care. What is there left to ruin, huh?
I'll give myself freely to you. Every inch of me.
no subject
In any case, though he listens to most of this in a quiet, careful way, something fierce in him springs to life at that last statement. It is, after all, the crux of everything he wants to avoid. The passivity leaves his posture; spine straight, shoulders squared, he reaches back out for one of Mandricardo's hands. His grip isn't soft, but it isn't punishing. It's simply firm in its certainty.]
The last thing I want is for anyone to walk down that path with me. [That inevitable path, whatever form it takes, will not offer reprieve or pleasantries. He's been prepared to walk it alone for as long as he can remember.] I will not have it. It's something I cannot allow.
[The idea of someone living for him, dying for him, wanting to stay by his side through all the darkness his life will cut into... It's too much. He is afraid, for many reasons.
...But. But. If he's destined to die, and Mandricardo is destined to forget... He can't help but wonder if it would be too selfish even then, to take just a little. Just enough to think back on fondly, when the time comes to part. When Mandricardo continues on in his strange second life full of half-chances, and he continues to press forward in his bloody quest.
There's a heavy pause, in which he seems to be considering his next words carefully, teetering on the edge of two opposing desires. Then, quieter:] ...Just to have a small part of you is enough for me. If I can share just a little with you before we meet our fates... that will be enough.
no subject
[Already, the will to keep pushing against Sakyou's eternal persistence is starting to wane, slightly. Not because he just wants to throw his hands and give up, but he respects Sakyou too much to be pushy. In the end, if Sakyou doesn't want this, he won't blame the man. He can live his life the way he can live it.]
[He smiles briefly at the touch to his hand, closing his eyes momentarily.]
A small part...
[He wishes Sakyou had more. But already, anxiety is starting to creep in, the persistent feeling of "not being good enough" hanging over his shoulders. If the man wants to stop here...]
[Well, maybe he's just not worthy of going further with him down that path.]
[He'll just have to be happy that Sakyou can have these small moments, before he moves on and wades into the darkness of the open sea of his own soul.]
That's fine.
[And a sigh.]
If it's to be a small part, then...alright.
[At least something remaining behind, like the light trail of a falling star.]
no subject
He gives Mandricardo's hand a gentle squeeze, and finally, a tiny sliver of a smile replaces the grim expression that had settled on his face. It's soft and there's a quiet edge of melancholy, but there's some gratitude there, too.]
Even a small part is more than I should have... but thank you, for being willing to share it with me. For wanting to share anything with me at all.
[There's a moment where he hesitates again, like he's going to draw back - but he decides to be selfish and take just a little, leaning forward to return the kiss from earlier. Soft, careful, more hesitant than forward. Sometimes you are just two lads with self esteem issues!! It's fine. He rests his forehead against Mandricardo's after, closing his eyes for a moment.]
I'll remember it - and you, and whatever you allow me to take for whatever time we have.
[He will remember it if Mandricardo can't.]
no subject
[He can offer himself completely to someone, and it's not enough to save them. It's like coming to the edge of a well to pull up someone who has fallen in, and finding you don't have enough rope.]
[So the kiss that comes makes him feel elated...but only for a moment, replaced with a sort of numbness. His hand reaches up to gently touch the other's face. Sakyou's face is so soft. It's so soft, compared with the darkness he knows he's seen.]
[Well, at least this, to remain.]
I should be thanking you. [He says, gently.] I'm here for you, Sakyou.
[He closes his eyes.]
I'm always here for you.
no subject
But of course, it's hard to see things from someone else's perspective when so deeply mired in your own. It's the same for both of them, for better or for worse.
He's quiet for several seconds, eyes still closed, just breathing. Feeling the hand against his face, which he hesitates to let himself lean into, but still does anyway. Hearing the reassurance. The return thanks, which he thinks is completely unnecessary but appreciates all the same. His chest aches and he smiles through it.]
...I'm glad. [That selfish part of him likes not feeling so alone.] I can't offer much in return, but I hope... even if it's selfish, I hope you'll continue to let me enjoy this. This share of you. And I hope that you'll let me stand with you too, as carefully as I'm able.
[It would be the best he can offer: to be there if he's needed, without stepping too far over the line, without coming too close and endangering yet another person he's come to hold carefully in his heart.
this will be very funny if one or both of them are dead tomorrow]