[He winces at the grasp, but the look he gives Sakyou doesn't waver, holding steady, like a flame.]
Maybe it isn't. Maybe...I'm just a ghost, and you're a human being, and maybe...maybe I can't really die in the same way you can, but...
[The feelings...have to be the same, right?]
I should...ask you the same. [His grip is strong - he isn't planning on letting go.] What will it take, Sakyou? Do you see me so cruel as to disregard what you're sayin'?
That isn't why it's not the same. [HE'D SHAKE THIS MAN IF HE COULD but he's too busy trying to crush the bones of his hand apparently--
No okay, it's not that hard. Sakyou actually has freakish arm strength and is taking care not to be too brutal, even if it probably hurts.]
I'm the worst kind of person. I don't leave things better - without fail, I always leave them worse. The one good I'll do is taking that demon out on my way to the river. At the very least, I want to protect you and those I care for from suffering, but you won't listen and you won't believe me no matter what I say or what you see.
[How far down into his disgusting core does he have to dig before they're satisfied? It's painful.]
How... [He seems to struggle with his words, even as Sakyou's grip is this tight.] How many times do...do I need to make it clear that you made my life better?
[And now he's crying, but he's crying bitter, bitter tears. Sour, like his feelings, of having to try to even persuade Sakyou, just a little, about what his worth really is.]
I don't think I've...ever had a relationship before like I have with you. I...never had friends. I was a stupid, stupid, arrogant king, who got along with no one. And now here I am, and you...you agreed, and you...it was...i-it was the happiest I've ever been.
[He grits his teeth, pained.]
If anything, I should be the one protectin' you from me. Every day, I worry that I'm the one dragging you down with this wretched soul of mine. You're like...like the sun to me. Things are better because you're here, not because you're not.
[Even after everything, even after seeing Sakyou standing, bloodied, like that, he...]
Even right now, this date, I'm...I'm happy. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
[Here he is again, hurting and hurting, doing nothing but cleaving routes of misery through those he just wants to see smile. Sakyou doesn't cry easily - even now, his eyes aren't so much as watering. But it's painful to watch, painful to see Mandricardo cry out the hurt that Sakyou had a hand in creating.
This is why he doesn't want to inflict himself on others. But he's realizing now that he made his fatal mistake long ago. Back then, he should have pushed him away. A "no" would have been sufficient. Upon his arrival, he should have closed himself off. He shouldn't have reached out, he shouldn't have let those connections form, he shouldn't have allowed for even a single second of misconception that he's anything close to a good person.
And what can be done about it now?
He's hit by the sudden despair of realizing just how far out of his hands things are now. Each word Mandricardo speaks digs into him like a dagger. Like the sun. Hah... What has he done? What can he do? He steps forward suddenly, but it's not to push or pull or try to flee. He only sets his forehead against Mandricardo's shoulder, the painful grip on his hand loosening. He's so tired.]
...I'm sorry... I'm sorry-- I was selfish. I was foolish and cruel. When you held your hand out, I wanted to grab it. No - I did. I knew better, but I did anyway. You've been too good to me from the start, but I didn't act sooner because I didn't want to.
[He selfishly and cruelly wanted to hold on to that spark of happiness, and now Mandricardo will suffer for it.]
[Even though Sakyou isn't crying, the way he speaks moves Mandricardo so much that it renews the flood of tears, his eyes stinging. Oh, how helpless he is. He feels the man resting his forehead against his shoulder, and there's only a pause after he feels Sakyou release his grip that he moves his arms to embrace him. It's awkward, since he hasn't hugged too many times before, but in a way, it's like he's trying to do his best to draw the other in, keep him safe from the world. This cruel, cruel world, that made Sakyou think such things.]
[His voice wavers as he speaks.]
Don't you dare apologize for that. I...want you to be selfish. I was selfish, askin' for your friendship. I'm the most selfish person I know, because...I want so much. I want friends. I want attention. I want to be loved, despite everythin' because...I can't help it.
[To want is only human, after all. His hand moves up to cup the back of the other's head, slowly stroking through his hair.]
So I'm...glad you're selfish, like me. Because that means, deep down, you want to be happy. And even if it's for a moment...even if I die tomorrow...I'll be happy to know that...I made you happy, too. That's the greatest gift you could give me.
[He's quiet as he listens, as he stews in how terrible he feels. Even this feels like taking more than he deserves. Like he hadn't been satisfied earlier so he's dinging his hands in deeper, despite knowing how cruel his actions are.
He doesn't return the hold, but he doesn't move away. He just stands with his face hidden, coward that he is, folding his hands together and wringing his fingers until they're blotchy and discolored. It's almost funny, really, how terrible everyone else seems to think they are when he's the one doing so much damage.
What Mandricardo wants is only human. But he...
...]
"Even the blossoming flowers will eventually scatter. Who in our world is unchanging? Today, we cross the deep mountains of karma; and we shall not have superficial dreams nor be deluded"...
[It's a poem he keeps close, reciting it with ease.]
...My life will scatter, too. I didn't want those dreams. I would prefer to live without any vibrancy. [...] But I've been happy here, at times. I would never wish for anyone to be stuck in such a place, but...
[He's known more happiness here than he has in most of the rest of his life, and hates himself more for it.]
...You have made me happy. I'm sorry to repay you in such a way.
[Mandricardo feels terrible, too, but terrible in the way one stands, unknowing of how to help a person who is obviously suffering. Its a futile, helpless, sad sort of feeling, and yet....and yet.....]
[He's somehow happy, all the same. Emotions really are messy, huh. More of a mess than anything in the world.]
Y'know, you keep talkin' about how...you can only choose one thing or another. How you can have your revenge, and scatter your life, or stay back and allow yourself everything you want. But I don't think you have the right idea. I think...you can have both. You can have your mountains, but you can have your superficial dreams, too. Being selfish is okay. It may seem odd, to you, but I think they can coexist.
[One can strive for lofty goals, but carry quiet, small, selfish dreams in their heart. Just like the selfish dream made true to know that...he's made Sakyou happy.]
[His hand tucks some of the other's hair behind an ear, gently.]
You can be cruel to those demons of yours. You should be. But you shouldn't be so cruel to yourself, I think.
[Which is real hypocritical of him to say, but look. Look.]
You shouldn't apologize. Like I said...I'm happy you're happy. That outweighs anything that you think you're doing to me. I'm here for you, as your friend, always...okay?
[Emotions really are a hotass mess! Wow. They are both some messy, messy lads.
He shifts just a little, speaking more toward Mandricardo's neck than his shoulder directly.]
I'll apologize anyway. It's the most I can do for now.
[It doesn't make him feel well, but it at least lets him feel like he's doing something, which is better than nothing at all. His eyes close for a moment. He's tired. The hand tucking hair behind his ear is soothing, and he wishes he could just be dead and done with it - at least, part of him wishes for that. It's the part he personally thinks is less selfish.
He really is rotten.
...He laughs, just a little. Self-deprecating and wry.]
Though I'm surprised you'd say you're grateful for this date. I do think they're not meant to go this way. [...] You always seem to end up having to try comforting me for this or that. It would be good if you tire of it.
[Wow. You know, saying stuff on his own is one thing. Having to listen to similar things coming from someone else's mouth is...very different.]
...You're really giving me a run for my money here as a gloomy guy, Sakyou.
[He says, with a slightly amused huff - the hand at Sakyou's ear tweaks it, a little playfully. His attempt at lightening the mood which is, in Mandricardo's opinion, extremely wild for an introvert like him.]
But anyways, I...like this date. Because I like you. [There's a beat here, his cheeks warm as he tilts his head and leans against Sakyou.] And I wouldn't be a good friend if I...tired of comforting you. That's what friends do, right?
[This game is literally just Have A Taste Of Your Own Medicine You Fool: The Extended Experience.
He is absolutely a gloomy guy though, damn. But it appears Mandricardo's attempt to bring some levity into the situation works at least a little, since he's able to leave at least the heaviest of that surge of self-loathing to the side for the time being. JUST TWO FRIENDS GENTLY LEANING AGAINST EACH OTHER IN FRONT OF THE SKATE RINK the NPCs are probably waggling their brows as they skate by...
There's a beat but he eventually straightens his posture back up again, pulling away from Mandricardo and the comfort there, if only by a little. Just so he can look him in the eye, even though it feels a bit like he's saying impossible things.]
...I suppose it is. I hope that I can return the kindness that you've shown me, someday. Properly. I'm not sure I'll be able to, but- [...] -I'll give it all that I have.
[He's still torn, he still wants to push Mandricardo away, but... that little selfish part of him that wants happiness for himself figures he might as well do things right if he's going to stick around. "I'm sorry" is on the tip of his tongue again, but he bites it back for now.]
...Shall we skate, then? I think I've taken up quite enough of our time with this.
[Returning kindness...? There's a little smile, a shake of the head.]
You're already returning the kindness just by being here, Sakyou.
[His hands shift up to cup the other's cheeks, and he stares at him for a moment. Sakyou, Sakyou, Sakyou. This impossibly bitter man, full of self-hatred to the brim, yet...he's the one who asked out Mandricardo on this date, isn't he?]
[He leans in and presses his lips against the other's forehead before drawing back completely. A gentle gesture, like a promise.]
...Eh, I'm the one who was wastin' time... [A scratch of the cheek, sheepish, as he casts his gaze to the skating rink.] But sure. I don't really know how, though...
[There's a brief moment where he looks surprised - nearly startled - by the gesture. Despite the kindness so many have shown him here, he's still not used to it.
But it's a soft and pleasant thing that sets his heart at ease, chasing away some of the gloom with an undeniable warmth. Hah... And Mandricardo had said he was like the sun. As he pulls back, Sakyou reaches forward, gently taking Mandricardo's hand in his own. A careful hold, as though to make up for the harshness of just a few moments prior. He gives it a very light squeeze and keeps it in his grasp.]
There is no time wasted with you.
[Sappy as hell! Embarrassing! He ducks his head a little, and is then quick to shift and move toward wherever the hell the skates are, talking as he goes.]
That's fine - I'll show you what I've learned, though I'm not so great at it myself just yet.
[And when Sakyou ducks his head, he flusters, his cheeks a rosy pink - ah, did he really just do that? Guess he did. He won't take it back. He'll gladly let Sakyou take his hand as they move to the skating rink.]
Oh, you've done it before? It kinda looks complicated, but...fun, too.
[Gross soft lads. Can't wait for Sakyou specifically to die!
Anyway, he looks... vaguely sheepish at that...]
Ah... Well, not really. Rather - I practiced a bit earlier today, but it's harder than it looks. [He sucks at it and also his legs are still broken.] But it was fun, and I thought you might enjoy it, too. Once you get the hang of it, it's easier.
[Also clinging to the wall like a lifeline helps!]
Well, anythin' needs practice, some stuff more than others. So like, to be expected. I really never thought one could move over ice like this, but I saw pictures in books of like...people jumping. It's real pretty.
[BINCH YOU DIED FIRST LAST TIME, ME FIRST THIS TIME.]
Ah... I couldn't even imagine doing that. Just going in a straight line is a bit challenging.
[At least he's honest. ANYWAY, GRABBIN SOME SKATES and then handing a pair to Mandricardo! He'll move over to a bench soon after so he can start putting them on. Carefully. Non-broken-ankle foot first.]
[He thinks Sakyou is a lot more graceful than he is. But cool! Blade shoes! He'll sit next to the other, starting to put them on, but...looking with concern over at that ankle.]
[ABSOLUTELY NOT KICKFLIPS MYSELF OFF AND INTO HELL.
Anyway he's just smiling! Reassuringly! Don't worry about it.]
I've already managed once or twice well enough. I just can't move as quickly as I'd otherwise be able to, most likely.
[He says most likely because he doesn't actually know how fast he'd be able to travel on ice skates without broken legs. He's got good balance but knife shoes are a different ballgame...]
[And he's got his on, too - its a bit weird "walking" on them for the little distance he has to go to the rink, but he'll reach out to hold Sakyou's hand.]
[haha wouldn't it be funny if we died in a gay skating accident and had to retcon it, anyways]
[And...wow. Ice skating! He is definitely spreading legs wide and throwing out his free hand to keep balance, but....well, he's done well with weird tricks on horses, so this isn't too bad. For now.]
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Maybe it isn't. Maybe...I'm just a ghost, and you're a human being, and maybe...maybe I can't really die in the same way you can, but...
[The feelings...have to be the same, right?]
I should...ask you the same. [His grip is strong - he isn't planning on letting go.] What will it take, Sakyou? Do you see me so cruel as to disregard what you're sayin'?
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No okay, it's not that hard. Sakyou actually has freakish arm strength and is taking care not to be too brutal, even if it probably hurts.]
I'm the worst kind of person. I don't leave things better - without fail, I always leave them worse. The one good I'll do is taking that demon out on my way to the river. At the very least, I want to protect you and those I care for from suffering, but you won't listen and you won't believe me no matter what I say or what you see.
[How far down into his disgusting core does he have to dig before they're satisfied? It's painful.]
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[And now he's crying, but he's crying bitter, bitter tears. Sour, like his feelings, of having to try to even persuade Sakyou, just a little, about what his worth really is.]
I don't think I've...ever had a relationship before like I have with you. I...never had friends. I was a stupid, stupid, arrogant king, who got along with no one. And now here I am, and you...you agreed, and you...it was...i-it was the happiest I've ever been.
[He grits his teeth, pained.]
If anything, I should be the one protectin' you from me. Every day, I worry that I'm the one dragging you down with this wretched soul of mine. You're like...like the sun to me. Things are better because you're here, not because you're not.
[Even after everything, even after seeing Sakyou standing, bloodied, like that, he...]
Even right now, this date, I'm...I'm happy. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
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This is why he doesn't want to inflict himself on others. But he's realizing now that he made his fatal mistake long ago. Back then, he should have pushed him away. A "no" would have been sufficient. Upon his arrival, he should have closed himself off. He shouldn't have reached out, he shouldn't have let those connections form, he shouldn't have allowed for even a single second of misconception that he's anything close to a good person.
And what can be done about it now?
He's hit by the sudden despair of realizing just how far out of his hands things are now. Each word Mandricardo speaks digs into him like a dagger. Like the sun. Hah... What has he done? What can he do? He steps forward suddenly, but it's not to push or pull or try to flee. He only sets his forehead against Mandricardo's shoulder, the painful grip on his hand loosening. He's so tired.]
...I'm sorry... I'm sorry-- I was selfish. I was foolish and cruel. When you held your hand out, I wanted to grab it. No - I did. I knew better, but I did anyway. You've been too good to me from the start, but I didn't act sooner because I didn't want to.
[He selfishly and cruelly wanted to hold on to that spark of happiness, and now Mandricardo will suffer for it.]
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[Even though Sakyou isn't crying, the way he speaks moves Mandricardo so much that it renews the flood of tears, his eyes stinging. Oh, how helpless he is. He feels the man resting his forehead against his shoulder, and there's only a pause after he feels Sakyou release his grip that he moves his arms to embrace him. It's awkward, since he hasn't hugged too many times before, but in a way, it's like he's trying to do his best to draw the other in, keep him safe from the world. This cruel, cruel world, that made Sakyou think such things.]
[His voice wavers as he speaks.]
Don't you dare apologize for that. I...want you to be selfish. I was selfish, askin' for your friendship. I'm the most selfish person I know, because...I want so much. I want friends. I want attention. I want to be loved, despite everythin' because...I can't help it.
[To want is only human, after all. His hand moves up to cup the back of the other's head, slowly stroking through his hair.]
So I'm...glad you're selfish, like me. Because that means, deep down, you want to be happy. And even if it's for a moment...even if I die tomorrow...I'll be happy to know that...I made you happy, too. That's the greatest gift you could give me.
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He doesn't return the hold, but he doesn't move away. He just stands with his face hidden, coward that he is, folding his hands together and wringing his fingers until they're blotchy and discolored. It's almost funny, really, how terrible everyone else seems to think they are when he's the one doing so much damage.
What Mandricardo wants is only human. But he...
...]
"Even the blossoming flowers will eventually scatter. Who in our world is unchanging? Today, we cross the deep mountains of karma; and we shall not have superficial dreams nor be deluded"...
[It's a poem he keeps close, reciting it with ease.]
...My life will scatter, too. I didn't want those dreams. I would prefer to live without any vibrancy. [...] But I've been happy here, at times. I would never wish for anyone to be stuck in such a place, but...
[He's known more happiness here than he has in most of the rest of his life, and hates himself more for it.]
...You have made me happy. I'm sorry to repay you in such a way.
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[He's somehow happy, all the same. Emotions really are messy, huh. More of a mess than anything in the world.]
Y'know, you keep talkin' about how...you can only choose one thing or another. How you can have your revenge, and scatter your life, or stay back and allow yourself everything you want. But I don't think you have the right idea. I think...you can have both. You can have your mountains, but you can have your superficial dreams, too. Being selfish is okay. It may seem odd, to you, but I think they can coexist.
[One can strive for lofty goals, but carry quiet, small, selfish dreams in their heart. Just like the selfish dream made true to know that...he's made Sakyou happy.]
[His hand tucks some of the other's hair behind an ear, gently.]
You can be cruel to those demons of yours. You should be. But you shouldn't be so cruel to yourself, I think.
[Which is real hypocritical of him to say, but look. Look.]
You shouldn't apologize. Like I said...I'm happy you're happy. That outweighs anything that you think you're doing to me. I'm here for you, as your friend, always...okay?
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He shifts just a little, speaking more toward Mandricardo's neck than his shoulder directly.]
I'll apologize anyway. It's the most I can do for now.
[It doesn't make him feel well, but it at least lets him feel like he's doing something, which is better than nothing at all. His eyes close for a moment. He's tired. The hand tucking hair behind his ear is soothing, and he wishes he could just be dead and done with it - at least, part of him wishes for that. It's the part he personally thinks is less selfish.
He really is rotten.
...He laughs, just a little. Self-deprecating and wry.]
Though I'm surprised you'd say you're grateful for this date. I do think they're not meant to go this way. [...] You always seem to end up having to try comforting me for this or that. It would be good if you tire of it.
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...You're really giving me a run for my money here as a gloomy guy, Sakyou.
[He says, with a slightly amused huff - the hand at Sakyou's ear tweaks it, a little playfully. His attempt at lightening the mood which is, in Mandricardo's opinion, extremely wild for an introvert like him.]
But anyways, I...like this date. Because I like you. [There's a beat here, his cheeks warm as he tilts his head and leans against Sakyou.] And I wouldn't be a good friend if I...tired of comforting you. That's what friends do, right?
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He is absolutely a gloomy guy though, damn. But it appears Mandricardo's attempt to bring some levity into the situation works at least a little, since he's able to leave at least the heaviest of that surge of self-loathing to the side for the time being. JUST TWO FRIENDS GENTLY LEANING AGAINST EACH OTHER IN FRONT OF THE SKATE RINK the NPCs are probably waggling their brows as they skate by...
There's a beat but he eventually straightens his posture back up again, pulling away from Mandricardo and the comfort there, if only by a little. Just so he can look him in the eye, even though it feels a bit like he's saying impossible things.]
...I suppose it is. I hope that I can return the kindness that you've shown me, someday. Properly. I'm not sure I'll be able to, but- [...] -I'll give it all that I have.
[He's still torn, he still wants to push Mandricardo away, but... that little selfish part of him that wants happiness for himself figures he might as well do things right if he's going to stick around. "I'm sorry" is on the tip of his tongue again, but he bites it back for now.]
...Shall we skate, then? I think I've taken up quite enough of our time with this.
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You're already returning the kindness just by being here, Sakyou.
[His hands shift up to cup the other's cheeks, and he stares at him for a moment. Sakyou, Sakyou, Sakyou. This impossibly bitter man, full of self-hatred to the brim, yet...he's the one who asked out Mandricardo on this date, isn't he?]
[He leans in and presses his lips against the other's forehead before drawing back completely. A gentle gesture, like a promise.]
...Eh, I'm the one who was wastin' time... [A scratch of the cheek, sheepish, as he casts his gaze to the skating rink.] But sure. I don't really know how, though...
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But it's a soft and pleasant thing that sets his heart at ease, chasing away some of the gloom with an undeniable warmth. Hah... And Mandricardo had said he was like the sun. As he pulls back, Sakyou reaches forward, gently taking Mandricardo's hand in his own. A careful hold, as though to make up for the harshness of just a few moments prior. He gives it a very light squeeze and keeps it in his grasp.]
There is no time wasted with you.
[Sappy as hell! Embarrassing! He ducks his head a little, and is then quick to shift and move toward wherever the hell the skates are, talking as he goes.]
That's fine - I'll show you what I've learned, though I'm not so great at it myself just yet.
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[And when Sakyou ducks his head, he flusters, his cheeks a rosy pink - ah, did he really just do that? Guess he did. He won't take it back. He'll gladly let Sakyou take his hand as they move to the skating rink.]
Oh, you've done it before? It kinda looks complicated, but...fun, too.
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Anyway, he looks... vaguely sheepish at that...]
Ah... Well, not really. Rather - I practiced a bit earlier today, but it's harder than it looks. [He sucks at it and also his legs are still broken.] But it was fun, and I thought you might enjoy it, too. Once you get the hang of it, it's easier.
[Also clinging to the wall like a lifeline helps!]
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Well, anythin' needs practice, some stuff more than others. So like, to be expected. I really never thought one could move over ice like this, but I saw pictures in books of like...people jumping. It's real pretty.
[the wall will be his best friend]
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Ah... I couldn't even imagine doing that. Just going in a straight line is a bit challenging.
[At least he's honest. ANYWAY, GRABBIN SOME SKATES and then handing a pair to Mandricardo! He'll move over to a bench soon after so he can start putting them on. Carefully. Non-broken-ankle foot first.]
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You'll get the hang of it, I think.
[He thinks Sakyou is a lot more graceful than he is. But cool! Blade shoes! He'll sit next to the other, starting to put them on, but...looking with concern over at that ankle.]
Um. Are you sure it's okay for you to do this?
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Anyway he's just smiling! Reassuringly! Don't worry about it.]
I've already managed once or twice well enough. I just can't move as quickly as I'd otherwise be able to, most likely.
[He says most likely because he doesn't actually know how fast he'd be able to travel on ice skates without broken legs. He's got good balance but knife shoes are a different ballgame...]
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[vibrates anxiously....SAKYOU YOUR PHYSICAL STATE............]
Um, you can lean on me if you need to!
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But for today he's at least being 5% more chill than he would be without broken bones...]
It helps to keep a hand on the wall. Though if it isn't too much trouble, I should like to hold your hand, as well.
[Gay skating stability.]
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My hand? [He blinks, before giving an emphatic nod.] Sure. Anything that helps...
[are we going to yuri on ice this]
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Thank you.
[hell yeah we are. Sakyou will finish lacing up his skates, in any case. Once they're both done, he'll extend a hand back out.]
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[And he's got his on, too - its a bit weird "walking" on them for the little distance he has to go to the rink, but he'll reach out to hold Sakyou's hand.]
[He smiles.]
Let's go?
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But!! He gives Mandricardo's hand a little squeeze once it's in his, setting his free hand against the wall.]
Mm, let's.
[And stepping onto the ice! Thank god he's had at least one practice round by now so he won't send them both spiraling off into hell immediately.]
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[And...wow. Ice skating! He is definitely spreading legs wide and throwing out his free hand to keep balance, but....well, he's done well with weird tricks on horses, so this isn't too bad. For now.]
Wow. It feels way different than walking.
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